


Kakashi one shot - Forgive me

by Cry_Kitty



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Depressing, Emotional Damage, Emotions, F/M, Hospital, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Ninja life, Sad, Sappy, Slight fluff, Tsunade is Hokage, Unrequited Love, extremely sad, health facility, physical damage, physical issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-10-27 12:35:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10809117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cry_Kitty/pseuds/Cry_Kitty
Summary: You're a wounded kunoichi that's in love with Kakashi.Is your love unrequited or will you get a happy end?





	Kakashi one shot - Forgive me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pdorkaa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pdorkaa/gifts).



> This is really sad y'know, I'm a drama queen. This is to make up for the last one shot that sucked in my opinion. This one will sadden you but at least it´s good.  
> Also while writing my head was full of this song but I hope it didn´t influence the story (only a tiny tiny bit, I swear!).

The rain pattered against the window, lining up raindrops for a speed battle. I followed them with my eyes as they ran all the way down the glass pane one by one. Outside was one of the nurses, hurrying to collect the laundry before it got all drenched. Somehow it seemed like it rained quite often in this part of town. It was the calmer part, where a lot of elders lived. There were also a lot of them here around me, although I was barely in my twenties. It was a soothing yet terrifying feeling to be here, shrouded from the busy life of town and most importantly, from the other ninjas. My old uniform hung above a chair, feigning a false image of the long since forgotten hope.

There was no way to deny I missed being a ninja. Sometimes, my old reflexes still kicked in when one of the nurses startled me. But like this, it was impossible to escape reality and the fact that my days as a Jōnin were over. This was the dark side of being a ninja. They didn´t teach that to the young kids at the academies.

The spot in front of the window was the best place to spend most of the day. It was relaxing to let the bright rays of sunshine warm your face while hearing the birds sing and chirp. Some of the staff was worried about me and tried to talk me into going out into the garden instead. I hated when they talked to me like that, I wasn´t a goddamn child! And it saddened me to visit the garden since the other people that lived here were there all the time. Seeing them just constantly reminded me of my own situation.

No matter the circumstances, I still knew how to entertain myself with drawing and reading. My favourite thing to do was watching opera and theatre plays, but ever since I lived here, I had not been to an opera hall many times. It wasn´t like I was hiding. At least not completely. I was simply scared to go outside. People could easily attack me and I was helpless if they did so. This feeling gnawed on me down to my very nerves. The children stared and sometimes even giggled and laughed while adults tried to act normal around me and scolded the young ones for their behaviour. No, it wasn´t like I was hiding, I just couldn´t take all this for long so I barely went outside.

No one forced me to be here. At the start I´d not wanted to come here and thought I could still live on my own. Though after a short time I´d accepted that this was the best solution for me.

My old friends sometimes came for a visit. Anko tried to visit me as often as she could, but the life of a ninja was very busy. She often gave me new books or some souvenirs from the places her missions had led her to. Of course I was jealous since I was used to taking missions and traveling but I did my best to look strong whenever she came for a visit. I gave my best to look strong to everyone. The thought of some of my friends or the nurses pitying me was disgusting.

Being engrossed in thoughts like I usually was, I didn´t notice that someone approached me until I heard the footsteps a few metres before they reached the door to my room. It pushed open and my old friend came in. Actually, he wasn´t only my old friend, but also my old crush. More like current crush. Or rather the one guy I knew I would always have a thing for.

“How did you come here in all of that rain?” My greeting seemed rather could hadn´t it been for the soft smile on my lips.

“Oh it rained? I didn´t notice.” Kakashi said in his usual dry tone, but this time it held a small wave of amusement. The sarcasm literally dripped down from him in the wetness that dripped down from his clothes and messy silver hair. I tried not to calculate on my head how long ago his last visit had been. I tried my best to only feel happy that he was here right now. I´d really missed this little bastard.

Kakashi took his time to take off his soaked flak jacket, throwing it casually onto an empty chair. Then he sat down next to me, pulling up another chair to the window and I couldn´t help but watch how his muscles flexed under his blue clothing. 

“Let´s talk for real now. How are you?”

My gaze drifted away from him, out of the window. The raindrops pattering against the window was the only sound in the room. I knew what he wanted to ask with that question. My condition was what he really wanted to know. I mustered up all of my physical strength and very slowly stood up. Because I was so close to the window, I could steady myself on the sill, only with my right arm though.

Kakashi was as silent as I was and I couldn´t stand this lack of words, the anticipation that was almost visible in the room.

“It could be better.” I finally managed to say. Small tones of repressed anger found their way into my voice as I leaned my head against the window. I was angry at myself for everything. It was my fault that I had to be here, that I like this. My condition wasn´t getting any better. In fact, it had only worsened since I got here. I didn´t blame the medic ninjas that tried their best, my case was just hopeless. I should have never went on that mission that day, I should have-

“Dou-chan.” Kakashi´s voice roused me from slumber. Immediately I blushed, disappointed that I´d let my thoughts drift like this when he was around. I felt sorry. My legs gave up under me and for a second I threatened to hit the ground, but strong arms wrapped around my waist and kept me up. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back at Kakashi, enjoying his closeness. He didn´t say a thing and only held me. Probably he understood.

The silver haired Jōnin had been my crush for so long. I had wanted to make a move on him after I came back from that mission but since it didn´t play out as planned I´d never gotten to that. My insecurities had taken their best on me after that accident and like this, confessing to Kakashi was not manageable. My confidence was balanced again, but the nurses had talked about rumours… Oh Kakashi.

“There´s a theatre play tonight. I thought you would like to go there.”

His words shook me.

“That would be great.” I appreciated him trying to lure me out of my self-declared seclusion. Normally, Kakashi would never do something for others. That bastard was way too selfish for that. Maybe he did it because he thought my days on earth were restricted. Well, I wasn´t going to go down that easily!

After the rain had settled, Kakashi made his way into town with me. The copy nin carried me on his back since neither of us were interested in carrying the wheelchair around. And it was way more embarrassing this way. Well, at least for everyone else than me. Being this close to him, it brought back old memories. I did my best to not let the rumours sadden me too much, but it did not always work. The nurses had talked about seeing Kakashi with a young Kunoichi particularly often in the last months. There was no way I could be angry at him about that. In my physical state, no one could seriously plan on spending his life together with me. The sweet pain that seemed to crush my heart whenever I thought about it was all too familiar. I tried to ignore it as I leaned my head on the silver haired ninja´s shoulder. With him, I did not feel vulnerable. He made me feel strong and protected. Probably Kakashi felt the same way when he was around that Kunoichi.

My thoughts kept tying a knot inside my head, and no matter in which direction they went, it kept tangling. As the curtains lifted and the stage play started, my mind went blank for a second, blinded by the excitement and anticipation. Fifteen minutes into the play I first spared my comrade a glance again, and was surprised to see Kakashi actually staring at the actors on stage. His expression seemed rather bored and normally he would´ve gotten out his book to read instead of torturing himself with this evening that was obviously not to his liking. But tonight was different. Tonight he paid attention. Whenever I looked back ahead, there was a pair of eyes glued to the back of my head. I pretended not to notice and the feeling disappeared soon. The only thing I did was letting my mind fully focus on the play as I listened to the words that I already knew by heart.

Afterwards I remember being so sleepy that I had missed the end of the play. Even though I didn´t want to admit it, it had been hard for me to stay at the brink of consciousness before I fell into the depths of sleep. Kakashi had carried me back to my room. I had felt so calm while he was around me, but as soon as my head hit the pillow and I heard him say goodbye, my mind was engulfed in my restless, irregular sleep pattern.

The next day I woke up to a bird chirping outside. Kakashi must´ve left the window open for me. It was a nice yet strange gesture. As if he wanted to tell me that although I lived here, I could still escape and come to the “outer world”. Even though it was the same town, this part of Konoha felt so repellent and devouring. But maybe that was just my point of view.

Getting dressed took it´s time but when I was finished I rolled onto the small hallway. There were other people that lived here besides me, temporary patients or basket cases like me. When I passed the other rooms I did my best not to look through the open doors. Being constantly reminded of all the illnesses made me examine my own wounds. On the surface it was tough, underwater it was much harder to stay sane with the small battles I fought against myself when I looked at my reflection.

Midday was spent in the garden. The nurses had convinced me to enjoy the weather outside since it had rained so much yesterday. I closed my eyes as the warm rays of sunshine warmed my face and forget about the world around me. Time didn´t matter anymore. Since that incident, seconds and days had started speaking another language and I was lost in translation. Whether it was Monday or Friday, I´d spend this day like a Sunday and lazily enjoy the sun. Since I didn´t pay attention otherwise, a visitor came into the garden, unnoticed. Only when I heard my name being said I opened my eyes. This voice was very recognizable.

“Tsunade-sama. How can I help you?”

My words were a mockery of the picture I was. Of course I knew I couldn´t help her in any way. Something flickered over the Sannin´s face. She hadn´t come here for me. Probably she´d needed to talk to an elder and had found me here by coincidence.

“Dou-san. How´s the facility so far? I hope it´s comfortable living here.”

Her tone told me she didn´t really care but it was simple formality to ask.

“It´s alright.”

Suddenly her expression changed and the blonde Hokage looked as if she had just remembered something very important.

“Chizune told me a few days ago that she read in an old scroll about a healing method. It´s a very complicated surgery but it could fix you. Think about it and then contact me, I have to head back to my office.”

Her words hit me like a stone to my face. “Fix me”. She couldn´t have meant that, did she? Nothing could fix me. I don´t remember saying goodbye to her but I think I did because when I looked next to me, there was a small scroll sitting on a close by bench. I picked it up with some difficulties and enrolled it. What I saw there made my hands go numb in anxiety. The procedure of the operation was shortly described. Even though it didn´t contain many words, they managed to turn everything up and down. The scroll had barely mentioned the aftereffects and risks of the surgery, but that wasn´t necessary. I knew everything there was to it. The change of dying was higher than fifty percent and if something went wrong, it could end up destroying even more of my body. Still though, Tsunade-sama was a very skilled medic-nin and if there was only a small chance of being able to heal, being able to go back to the way I was…

Hours later, I was still engrossed in thoughts about the contents of the scroll. I barely noticed how another visitor burst into my room. Some of the nurses must´ve brought me back here.

“Dou-san!”

I looked up.

“I hadn´t expected you here, Gai.”

Even though his big smile and positive attitude seemed kind of ironic at this place, it felt good to see him.

“I came as soon as I heard from Tsunade-sama that she´s planning a surgery for you. I overheard her talking to Chizune and demanded to know what this was about. It looks like there isn´t a high risk, but I still need to convince you to take it! I know you, Dou-san. You love being a ninja. If everything goes well then you can fully recover, just like Lee did. I have faith in Tsunade. Please consider getting the operation.”

I was a bit overwhelmed with the already defined opinion of my former comrade. In fact, my opinion was still in the grey area even though I had thought about it the whole day. But none the less, I forced myself to smile at the always bright shinobi and nodded.

“I`ll consider it. Thanks so much for coming, Gai.”

He gave me a thumps up and eventually left to go back to his duties. Left me here in more thoughts than before. If Gai had heard it, maybe Kakashi knew about it too? He hadn´t come straightly here, though. Thinking about this particular shinobi made me uneasy. It was like a fire inside of me started burning. It gave me strength but at the same time, it used my insides as fuelwood. The determination that it gave, forced me to put everything at risk. Imagining Kakashi with that kunoichi did the rest, then. I was gonna get the surgery. Maybe, if it went well, there would be a future for Kakashi and me. How should I live on like this anyways? I was a living corpse. Not even that, but I knew that I was slowly dying. This wasn´t my first surgery, there had been countless of them before, but none of them had been able to cure me, they had only slowed down the progress. This new method Tsunade had talked about could work. I never knew you could use Chakra like this. It all seemed so promising. I was gonna do it. For myself and for Kakashi.

These thoughts were the last ones in my head as I laid on the cold metal stretcher. They had wrapped belts around my legs and arms. It felt very ironic but they also gave me some kind of mental support. It had been four days since Gai came to me. Kakashi still hadn´t showed up again. But I was gonna fight for us, with or without him at my side. That kunoichi could quit right away. A smile grazed my lips and I slipped into a slumber.

My hands grabbed into white, soft sheets. Free from restraint, I moved through fields of light grass and flowers, down into the ground of the dark, comfortable sea. Nothing could touch me, nothing could break me. High up in the star filled sky I heard someone say my name. Bits of blue coloured pieces stuck to my wrists and the earth underneath was painted in light, mindless colours.

“Dou-chan.”

I remember my mother kissing my forehead.

“Dou-chan!”

The sun tickling my cheeks whenever I faced the sky.

I remember all of the moments I shared in laughter and happiness. They were there, colourful like rainbow and so comforting I couldn´t help but to laugh out in joy. It was all here with me and I didn´t mind getting washed away by the falling tide.

“Dou-chan, I´m sorry. I wanted to tell you, but… I was scared of getting left behind and hurt. I loved you, I always did. But I chose to try and forget, because I knew you would die.

Forgive me.”

**Author's Note:**

> F.R.E.S. & H. ´till death.


End file.
